ToxicAffair!

To the chick

who could not love me

I have one final

thing to say

hand on heart

I now forgive you

as I watch you

walk away

all those nights

spend wondering

what the hell

was wrong with me?

now I  fully understand

you were just too

blind to see

maybe the pedestal

I had you on

was way too high

for you were unable to see

my inner fears

how hard I would cry

maybe I gave too much

I just wanted to get it right

I justified my commitment

by my countless

restless nights

waiting by a toneless phone

keeping my diary free

pacing around this empty space

recalling how you would leave

once you had just make love

to me

telling myself

that this was true love

measured by my pain

being a man

it was really hard to counteract

my mountains

of my internalised shame

I wonder if I was first

or last

on your list

oh yes, please tell me

why you only called me

to come fetch you

when you were dangerously pissed?

such a fool

my deluded projection

thought you were

such a victim

I wanted to offer you my protection

how you constantly spoke

of this fantasy love divine

when all I wanted was to find

my companion

my partner in crime

thank you for the resilience

you kindly gave to me

for allowing me

to open my eyes

as I was too blind

to see

through your overinflated ego

the woman

you claimed to be

when I could not face

this brutal narcissistic abuse

I found the courage to leave

the rage to recognise

this destruction dysfunction dynamic

I found the strength

to finally grieve

now when she calls me

every day

just to ensure that I am fine

when she spends hours just talking

so generous

with her time

the way she holds me in that space

the one you would not occupy

the gentle was she hugs my fears

when I have lost all courage to try

she shows me how she loves me

in the most simplistic way

she tells me all the words

the ones you struggled to say

now I know the difference

you gave me something to compare

and it hurts

because I suddenly realise

that you just did not care

to the woman

who did not love me

I have one final thing to say

if you do not truly love him

do not be a bitch

and walk away.

 

MedusaMoon C2016

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